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Post by grammyk on Sept 18, 2008 17:45:24 GMT 1
Now this is just Minnesota funny. The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election. Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to dete rmine the winner. After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota. There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John Mc. returned to the starting line and he had ten fish. Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day. At the end of the 2nd day John Mc. came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none. That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, 'Obama, I think John Mc. is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.' The next night (after John Mc. returns with 50 fish), Harry said to Obama, 'Well, tell me, how is John Mc. cheating?' Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice.' Experience Does Count!  ;D |
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Post by valpomike on Sept 18, 2008 18:20:05 GMT 1
Could be true, sounds like him.
Mike
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Post by Bonobo on Sept 18, 2008 21:49:59 GMT 1
In this joke Obama is portrayed as a moron. It reminds me of old jokes about a wise Pole and a stupid Russian, which ruled in communist Poland many years ago.
I see the political fight is at full swing. I suppose McCaine`s political rivals, democrats, invent the same or similar jokes about the opposite side. ;D
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Post by locopolaco on Sept 18, 2008 22:43:47 GMT 1
In this joke Obama is portrayed as a moron. but it sure seems the opposite in reality. mac is the one out of touch at this point in time. |
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gigi
Kindergarten kid
Posts: 1,470
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Post by gigi on Sept 18, 2008 22:49:38 GMT 1
I see the political fight is at full swing. I suppose McCaine`s political rivals, democrats, invent the same or similar jokes about the opposite side. ;D Oh heck, let's just band together to make fun of all of them! ;D ;D ;D NASA was celebrating, they had just made the scientific breakthrough of a lifetime. As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, the head scientist at NASA asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States. He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it. "Mr. President," he said, grinning broadly, "after fifteen years of hard research costing billions of dollars, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars." He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown. He said, "But that's impossible ... we could never do it. ... yes Mr. President," and hung up the phone. He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously. "I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we've found intelligent life on Mars ... he wants us to try to find it in Congress." |
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Post by grammyk on Sept 19, 2008 0:23:48 GMT 1
Ok, so some of you don't care for political humor..........
Lets try another, nothing political about this.
What Religion is Your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy 's
and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said,
"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. "
" What type of bra?"
asked the clerk.
" Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"
" Look around,"
said the saleslady,
as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color
and material imaginable.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from ."
Relieved, the man asked
about the types.
The saleslady replied:
"There are the Catholic,
the Salvation Army,
the Presbyterian,
and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?"
Now totally befuddled,
the man asked about
the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded,
"It is all really quite simple. ..
The Catholic type
supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and
The Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used
to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why,
but couldn't figure out
what the letters stood for,
it is about time
you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!...
{D} Dang!..
{DD} Double dang!...
{E} Enormous!...
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen
and I can't get up!...
They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen
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Post by Bonobo on Sept 19, 2008 11:02:20 GMT 1
(A} Almost Boobs... {B} Barely there... {C} Can't Complain!... {D} Dang!.. {DD} Double dang!... {E} Enormous!... {F} Fake... {G} Get a Reduction... {H} Help me, I've fallen Clever. Is it a parody of a commercial about an old lady who used a radio phone to call for help? I remember watching it in 1990s. |
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gigi
Kindergarten kid
Posts: 1,470
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Post by gigi on Sept 19, 2008 15:52:19 GMT 1
Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!... Is it a parody of a commercial about an old lady who used a radio phone to call for help? I remember watching it in 1990s. Hehe...yes, I remember that commercial. The subject matter is of course not funny, but the commercial was so silly that everybody started mimicking the "I've fallen, and I can't get up!" line.  www.retrojunk.com/details_commercial/1087/ |
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gigi
Kindergarten kid
Posts: 1,470
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Post by gigi on Nov 12, 2008 20:51:01 GMT 1
So Bonobo...since you recently celebrated this milestone birthday, how about if we see how many of these things apply to you?
You Know You're 40 When...
You've either mastered parallel parking or given up on it.
You've decided gardening is not so bad.
You remember thinking your parents were really, really old when they were younger than you are now.
You know more about the Teletubbies than you do about the President.
You're too stressed to have a midlife crisis.
Your six year old set up the DVD player for you.
You actually hear yourself say, "They call that music?!"
You haven't cannonballed into a swimming pool for years. ;D
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Post by Bonobo on Nov 13, 2008 23:47:55 GMT 1
So Bonobo...since you recently celebrated this milestone birthday, how about if we see how many of these things apply to you? And to you?  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D You Know You're 40 When... You've either mastered parallel parking or given up on it. I mastered it when I was 20. Today I do it with one smooth ride backwards. You've decided gardening is not so bad. I hate gardening. Bad experience when young. You remember thinking your parents were really, really old when they were younger than you are now. My parents are dead. It means I am really old, without any thinking. You know more about the Teletubbies than you do about the President. Nope. I like politics and think Teletubbies are boring. You're too stressed to have a midlife crisis. Nope,. I am too busy/hardworking to think about it. Your six year old set up the DVD player for you. Nope. I have no problems wit hsetting things, even the ones I have never seen before. Intelligence is still working. You actually hear yourself say, "They call that music?!" Nope. I actually hear myself: I am listening to Madonna and like it? ? You haven't cannonballed into a swimming pool for years. ;D[/quote] Yes. The last time I cannonballed was 25 years ago. I think it is silly. |
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Post by locopolaco on Nov 14, 2008 6:53:31 GMT 1
hmmm.. you are old. and all serious and sht. being silly is awesome. ;D |
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Post by Bonobo on Nov 15, 2008 22:19:55 GMT 1
hmmm.. you are old. and all serious and sht. being silly is awesome. ;D I must agree with you. I am silly in class and I see it really works with my students. ;D ;D ;D But this cannonballing.... Hmm, I was taught that water isn`t a joke. Crazy jumping/diving/plunging into (unknown) water might end in a disaster. I have seen too many young people on wheelchairs to take it lightly.... |
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Post by grammyk on Dec 6, 2008 3:22:30 GMT 1
In Honor of the upcoming Christmas season and all the toys sold.......
Tickle Me Elmo:
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
Employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday... '
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
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gigi
Kindergarten kid
Posts: 1,470
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Post by gigi on Dec 6, 2008 17:24:43 GMT 1
Awesome joke! ;D Ya sure you betcha - we Minnesotans are known for telling Ole and Lena jokes, but I have not heard that one before! Here is an Ole one-liner: "If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?"  |
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gigi
Kindergarten kid
Posts: 1,470
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Post by gigi on Dec 7, 2008 15:14:52 GMT 1
CHRISTMAS CAKE RECIPE
You'll need the following:
1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 bottle of whiskey
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it's the
highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter
in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teasthingy of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still OK.
Cry another tup. Tune up the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried
fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it goose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Sp00n the sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget
to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed.
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gigi
Kindergarten kid
Posts: 1,470
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Post by gigi on Dec 20, 2008 0:10:39 GMT 1
A bit of Christmas cheer...  According to the Alaskan Department of Fish and game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them - from Rudolph to Blitzen - had to be a girl. We should've known! Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and NOT GET LOST!!! The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus. What nationality is Santa? North Polish!!! |
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Post by locopolaco on Dec 20, 2008 1:07:09 GMT 1
A bit of Christmas cheer... According to the Alaskan Department of Fish and game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them - from Rudolph to Blitzen - had to be a girl. We should've known! Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and NOT GET LOST!!! The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus. What nationality is Santa? North Polish!!! you're funny. thanks. |
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;D 
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D