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Post by Bonobo on Feb 17, 2008 11:53:57 GMT 1
Why are Kaczynski brothers driven in limos with dark tinted windows?
So that nobody could see that they are sitting in baby car seats...
[glow=red,2,300]
- Dlaczego Kaczyńskich wożą w samochodach z czarnymi szybami?
- Żeby nikt nie widział, że siedzą w fotelikach...
[/glow]
A woman comes to the greengorcer`s.
Can I have a kilo of potatoes but each must be different, I am fed up with twins.
[glow=red,2,300]Przychodzi baba do sklepu:
- Poproszę kilo kartofli. Tylko, żeby każdy był inny, bo bliźniaków już więcej nie zniosę.[/glow]
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
J. Kaczynski does it too. On the fingers of one hand.
[glow=red,2,300]
Chuck Norris policzył do nieskończoności. Dwa razy.
Jarosław Kaczyński robi to samo. Na palcach jednej ręki.[/glow]
The theory of evolution doesn`t exist. There is only a list of creatures allowed by Chuck Norris to live.
By order of J. Kaczyński.
[glow=red,2,300]Teoria ewolucji nie istnieje. Tylko lista stworzeń, którym Chuck Norris pozwolił żyć.
Na polecenie Jarosława Kaczyńskiego. [/glow]
MOTHER-Hurry up John! You'll be late for school.
SON-I don't want to go to school.
MOTHER-But you have to.
SON-But the teachers don't like me and the boys call me names.
MOTHER-I'll give you two good reasons why you should go.
SON-What are they?
MOTHER-You are sixty years old and you're the headmaster there.
In the course of the lecture the professor ironically to his students:
-If your friends in the back rows of the room were quiet and stop talking as those in the middle who are solving their crosswords, the ones sitting in the first rows could easily continue their nap.
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Post by jkustelski on Apr 23, 2008 1:30:35 GMT 1
FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is
finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps
herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there
stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says,
'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she
gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob
the next door neighbor,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he
say
anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position
to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2: A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her
legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an
accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun
said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But,
changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest
apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent,
the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the
church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you
might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are
walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a
Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's
gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina
Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I
want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4: An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A
small
rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do
nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on
the
rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5: A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able
to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got
the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?'
Replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day,
after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top
of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of
the tree.
Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't
keep you there..
Lesson 6: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so
cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he
was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the
frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how
warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all
warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passingcat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following
the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS - The Five Minute Management Course
;D
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gigi
Kindergarten kid
Posts: 1,470
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Post by gigi on May 8, 2008 16:19:31 GMT 1
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students - here is something to remember...
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was:
"DON'T!"
"Don't what?" replied Adam.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit" said God.
"We have forbidden fruit?" said Adam.
"Hey Eve - we have forbidden fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and he was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you to not eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh" replied Adam.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know" said Eve.
"She started it" said Adam.
"Did not."
"Did too!"
"Did NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be too hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
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Post by Bonobo on May 8, 2008 19:09:16 GMT 1
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be too hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you? Good delicate joke and an interesting topic. Let`s develop it somewhere else. |
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gigi
Kindergarten kid
Posts: 1,470
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Post by gigi on Sept 8, 2008 15:47:52 GMT 1
Three bank robbers charge into a bank, one of them holding a hypodermic needle. The one with the needle yells, "Everyone down on the floor or I'll stick you with this AIDS virus!" Everyone drops to the floor except a Polish man, who remains standing.
The robber yells, "Hey buddy, that means you too." The Polish man says, "I am not afraid of you."
"Ok." says the robber, who runs over and jabs him with the needle.
After the robbers run out, several people rush to the Polish man. "Aren't you afraid of getting AIDS?" they ask.
"No," says the Polish man smugly, "I'm wearing a condom."
;D ;D ;D
A young Polish peasant, a Russian solider, a beautiful young Polish woman, and an elderly Polish woman are in a train compartment together. The train goes through a tunnel. It is totally dark for a moment. A kiss is heard and then the sound of a face being slapped. As the train comes out of the tunnel, the Russian solider is rubbing his sore cheek...
The old Polish woman is thinking to herself, "Serves him right! I am glad the beautiful young girl slapped him. These Russians have no shame!"
The young Polish woman is thinking, "What an idiot! He had the chance to kiss me and instead he kissed the old woman. I am glad she slapped him!"
The Russian soldier is thinking, "Very clever of the Polish guy to kiss the young woman and let me take the whacking."
The young Polish peasant thinks, "Brilliant idea to kiss my own hand and slap the Russian on his face!"
;D ;D ;D
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."
;D ;D ;D
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Post by Bonobo on Sept 10, 2008 21:56:48 GMT 1
A few months ago I heard a really good joke which was true. In Australia the local authorities forbade guys who work as Santa Clauses during Christmans to shout out loud Ho! because it resembles certain taboo word too much.
So, Ho!
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gigi
Kindergarten kid
Posts: 1,470
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Post by gigi on Sept 11, 2008 16:58:44 GMT 1
And the black women keep turning around, looking for who is calling them. Mike There are plenty of names for the men who call them that, too...  |
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Post by valpomike on Sept 11, 2008 17:23:21 GMT 1
Black men, in most times.
Mike
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gigi
Kindergarten kid
Posts: 1,470
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Post by gigi on Sept 11, 2008 17:33:31 GMT 1
Black men, in most times. Mike I don't think this word is restricted by race as much as it used to be. In any case, it's a disgusting word. Interesting though that a woman gets this label or who#* or something similar. Men get a label like "stud".  |
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Post by valpomike on Sept 12, 2008 0:54:11 GMT 1
I don't ever use it, but I hear many black men use it, even on T.V., and I don't like it either.
Mike
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gigi
Kindergarten kid
Posts: 1,470
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Post by gigi on Jan 31, 2009 21:06:28 GMT 1
What Your Drink Says About You
Bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to Earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the butt.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine - (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years . . . Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.
Drink: White Zin
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...
Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.
Then there is the male addendum .... The deal with guys is, as always, = very simple and clear cut.
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get lucky.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get lucky.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get lucky.
Whiskey: He doesn't give two rats about anything but getting lucky.
Tequila: Piss off, all you wankers, I'm gonna go shag something.
White Zin: He's gay.
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Post by valpomike on Feb 1, 2009 0:21:51 GMT 1
You hit the nail on the head, it is in most part very correct.
I remember from you youth.
Mike
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gigi
Kindergarten kid
Posts: 1,470
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Post by gigi on Feb 26, 2009 21:40:43 GMT 1
Genealogy???
A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'
The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God and Dad said they all developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.' ;D
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Post by Bonobo on Feb 27, 2009 21:10:41 GMT 1
That`s sexist! ;D ;D ;D
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Post by grammyk on Apr 7, 2009 0:07:47 GMT 1
INVESTING........
If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,
>
> you will have $49.00 today.
>
> If you had purchased $1000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will
> have $33.00 today.
>
> If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year
> ago, you will have $0.00 today.
>
> But---- if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago,
> drank all the
> beer, and then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund,
> you will have received $214.00.
>
> Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink
> heavily & recycle.
>
> It's called the 401-Keg.
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tomek
Nursery kid
Posts: 256 
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Post by tomek on Apr 7, 2009 10:10:41 GMT 1
INVESTING........ If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, > > you will have $49.00 today. > > If you had purchased $1000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will > have $33.00 today. > > If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year > ago, you will have $0.00 today. > > But---- if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, > drank all the > beer, and then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, > you will have received $214.00. > > Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink > heavily & recycle. > > It's called the 401-Keg. Very good ideas. We students doing this many often, we not thinking about future, only present days what important. |
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